Autism,Aspergers Autism, Aspergers, Rob Gorski,Special Needs Parenting, Reactive Attachment Disorder, Fibromyalgia,

Tag Archive: coward

Dec 04 2011

The Mommy Shield


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I’ve mentioned quite a few times that Gavin is moving very rapidly.  He doesn’t seem to be able to walk,  or use slow and controlled movements. 

Part of this is related to the neurological issues,  the fact that he’s manic and honestly,  I don’t know what else.. I know that it’s driving Lizze and I crazy. 
This afternoon,  Gavin once again forgot his walking feet.  This time resulting in him slamming his foot into something and sending him into a massive meltdown. 

This happened so fast and was so loud,  it sent Emmett and Elliott running away in terror.  They jumped onto the couch and coward behind Lizze. She wrapped them up in a big hug and shielded them from meltdown.

I got Gavin settled down and the boys had yet to release Lizze.  They clung to her for a few minutes and then began telling Gavin that if he walked heel toe he wouldn’t have hurt himself.  That’s one of the things Emmett and Gavin work on at PT.

Basically,  heel toe just means picking your feet up when walking, as apposed to sliding them across the floor.

Elliott and Emmett were actually right.  What really struck me was that Emmett was applying these things to his life and he’s only 3 years old.

I thought it was important that Elliott and Emmett speak their mind to Gavin because he needs to earn how his actions affect those around him.

I just thought the picture was kinda symbolic of what we have to do at times to ensure the safety and we’ll being of the younger boys,  especially from Gavin’s meltdowns. 

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2011/12/04/the-mommy-shield/

May 09 2011

My 2 cents


Rob doesn’t want me to stoop to ThyGuyX’s level. He said that I should say my piece but not stoop that low. I’ll be honest with y’all here; I don’t know that I am capable of doing that. I know that of all the things I wanted my first “guest post” on Rob’s blog to be about, some douche bag wasn’t even on the list. Yet, here we are.

 

ThyGuyX, you are a douche bag. I won’t refer to you with a “Mr.” because that is giving you a level of respect that I don’t feel you deserve. Period. You were coward enough to attack children. Yes, true, you did so through their parentage but you were attacking children nonetheless. How sad and bored you must be to sink so low.

 

Now, allow me to address your comment because while my husband is a better person than I and won’t sink to your level; I will address what you’ve said. Line by line. Word by word.

 

I am seeing red right now; that’s how angry I am with you and your ignorance.

 

“Let me get this straight… you have three retarded kids.

No, you are wrong. I have three beautiful, wonderful, loving special needs children.

That means that not only are you our your wife are making genetic failures,

First of all, we are not making genetic failures.

you kept right on breeding afterwards. Maybe you didn’t now about the first one immediately, and possibly didn’t know about the first by the time you had the second, but wtf at the third.

First, of all “know” is spelled with a “k”. Just to be clear since we seem to be attacking intelligence levels and whatnot.

We didn’t know about Gavin until I was well into my pregnancy with Elliott Richard (#2). While Gavin has Aspergers, a large part of Gavin’s issues are because of the treatment he received from his biological father and his paternal grandmother. They are both sociopaths and played horrible, horrible head games with a small boy doing irreparable damage. Elliott Richard also has Aspergers as well as ADHD. As do most children in America today, guess the nation is full of “genetic failures”. As for Mr. Emmett John, Elliott Richard hadn’t presented with either issue when I became pregnant with Mr. Emmett John. There was no way of knowing that he would be diagnosed with Autism as well at the time. Oh, and just in case you are reading this, I happen to have ADHD and Aspergers as well. Only I just found out about my Aspergers diagnosis.

Do you plan on caring for these things their entire lives or do the taxpayers eventually have to baring the load of even more unwanted animals.”

As for whether we plan to care for them their entire lives or “do the taxpayers eventually have to baring the load”? Believe it or not, we are responsible parents. We plan to care for them until the moment of our deaths. Then we have Last Will and Testiments in place to be sure that they are cared for by loved ones. So worry not, ThyGuyX, my babies will never be your responsibility, which is for the best since I wouldn’t want you raising them to hate themselves simply for existing.

 

Finally, do not EVER refer to my children as “things” or “unwanted animals” again. They are human beings with feelings, intelligent thoughts and emotions – all things you obviously lack. They have goals and aspirations in life. As their mother, I will love them and do all that I can to see that they reach those goals. Unfortunately for you, I am what is often referred to as a “mama bear”. Meaning there is very little I won’t do to protect my children. Luckily for you, there are laws protecting scum like you – for some unknown reason – and I am of no good to my children in jail. Now please stay away from my family. We have enough troubles of our own. We do not need bottom feeders like you raising my blood pressure and as I previously stated, being a douche bag.

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2011/05/09/my-2-cents/

Apr 13 2011

A mile in my shoes..


In honor of Autism Awareness month I thought I would revisit some older posts. I think these are very relevant and I hope it gives you a better understanding of what losing a child to Autism feels like, at least from my perspective. In my situation my oldest son Gavin developed “typically”. He later regressed into the world he now lives in. Many people won’t understand this but some of you will know exactly what I’m talking about. I realize this doesn’t apply to everyone but it does to my family.
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I hate autism. I hate everything about it. My kids are not autism. I hate autism for doing to them, to us what it has done. Autism is a thief. It’s a coward. It sneaks in and steals our kids right out from under us. Autism is a cruel and unforgiving disorder. It takes relentlessly and never stops.

My Story

I hate hearing how it could aways be worse. What is it like to have autism in our lives? As a father, I don’t know if I even have the words to describe what it’s like. I’m sorry if I offend anyone with this but it is what it is. Gavin is our 11 year old son. He died at age 4. That’s what it’s like for me. He has a rare, regressive form of autism. Sometime after his 4th birthday a switch flipped and the Gavin we knew and loved was gone. I really mean that. The child that was, no longer existed. What remains is a shell of who he was.

Unless this has happened to you, please don’t judge me. Gavin was my everything. He wasn’t even mine but to me he was. We went everywhere together. We went fishing and to the playground. We had camp outs in the living room. One day all that was gone. He would no longer connect. It was like he didn’t know us. He would hug us out of habit. I felt the difference. He was gone and we didn’t even get to say good bye.

The truly cruel part of his autism is that for many years after we would get these glimpses of him. It was like someone briefly waking from a long term coma, confused about what happened but there. He would somehow find his way out. It never lasted more then a few moments and then he was gone again. Every time this happened it was like losing him again for the first time. It was like watching him die over and over again. He would come back and then go away again. Very few people know what that feels like. It was torture. Having someone you love taken away is a horrible thing but imagine having them taken away over and over and over again. Watching helplessly as something dragged them away into the dark and there is NOTHING you can do. You actually grieve as though they are dead, because in reality the person they were is. The person you knew and loved is gone. All you have left is the physical body, a shell. The essence of who they were no longer exists.

Now imagine having finally come to terms and then out of nowhere they come back. You don’t know what to do or say because there’s no time to even process it. You finally figure out what to say and they are gone. All the things I had wanted to say if I had the chance slip away unsaid. I don’t have to imagine anything. That is my reality every single day. Every single time I grieve like it’s the first time. I don’t know how else to explain it.

You want to know how terrible I am? Do you want to know how weak I am? After awhile I actually prayed for him to stay gone. God forgive me, I just couldn’t take it anymore. The pain I experienced each and every time was unimaginable. It’s like a nightmare you can’t wake from. I can’t explain what it feels likes as a husband and father to experience this. You see them physically there but that’s it. They don’t connect on any meaningful level and everything becomes mechanical, emotionless and empty.

Gavin hasn’t found his way back in many years. There are so many things I want him to know and I will never have the chance to tell him. Most of what I say anymore has little to no impact on him. I can’t have a conversation with him because he doesn’t pay attention. Everyday I have to see what I no longer get to have. The pain never goes away. Anyone that says that it does is either lying to you or themselves.

Now let’s talk about guilt. Not only are you grieving but the guilt is unbearable. You feel like it’s you fault. You might not say it but deep down you blame yourself. If I had only been a better parent. You question everything you’ve done. You try so hard to remember when it happened but you can’t. I have one memory that haunts me. It’s the last memory of Gavin I have. He was 3 years old and I took him fishing for the first time. He actually caught a blue gill all by himself on his little fishing rod. We were fishing off the gazebo at the time. I remember him sticking his head between the spindles on the outside walls talking to the ducks. I actually have a picture of that. I was tired because I had just gotten off of a 48 hour shift as a medic. He wanted to stay and play with the kids on the play ground. I said no and we went home. That was it. I never had another chance after that. He started slipping away shortly after. The worst part for me is I never got to say goodbye. What would it have hurt to let him play a little bit. I took that from him.

I know all about guilt. I hate everything about my relationship with Gavin now. It’s tense and volatile. I have no patience for him anymore. His behaviors, though not always his fault have put a tremendous strain on our family. I’m often resentful anymore for the impact this has had on Lizze’s health as well as our other kids.

But what if the truth is I resent the fact that his physical person is here and that’s all. What kind of person let alone father does that make me. It just hurts to much sometimes to see him but know he isn’t there anymore.

This is what it was like for me to lose Gavin. This wasn’t easy to write but I just needed to say it. Maybe it explains why I am the way I am. Maybe it gives you a better understanding of what it’s like to be me. Maybe you know someone going through this also. Maybe now I won’t have to keep explaining why we do the things that we do. Maybe I can just leave this here instead of carrying this around with me.

 

-lost and tired

 

Permanent link to this article: http://lostandtired.com/2011/04/13/a-mile-in-my-shoes/

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