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Tag Archive: pencil

Aug 19 2011

Diapers and penis germs

Categories:

Anxiety, Aspergers, Autism, Emmett John, Family, Parenting

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August 19, 2011


Do you ever have one of those days where you feel like God is obviously punishing you for something you did wrong at some point?  Today is one of those days for me.

Emmett noticed a picture of himself in a Cookie Monster diaper on the digital picture frame.  It was like he reunited with some long lost love.  He immediately stripped out of his underware.  Then proceeded to run around the house commando style,  looking in all the usual places he used to stash his diapers. 

Upon realizing that there are none left in the house,  all hell broke loose.  Emmett completely lost it and then ran around the house to all the same places he had previously check only moments earlier,  only this time screaming at the top of his lungs.

During Emmett’s bitter sweet reunion with the elusive Cookie Monster diaper he made his way over to Elliott.Not content to simply scream,  he took Elliott’s pencil away. I got the pencil back and proceeded to return it to Elliott feeling like that would be the end of it. 

While I thought the return of the pencil would be enough for Elliott,  clearly I was wrong.  Elliott refused to take the pencil back because it had Emmett’s “penis germs”. That’s right folks “penis germs”.  What do you even say to something like that? Apparently,  while running around the house naked and looking for a diaper,  Emmett had touched his own penis.  Thus having “penis germs”.

Elliott has become very preoccupied with germs lately.  He is very stressed out and being forced to changed schools did not help at all. In fact for  someone trying to keep their head above water getting kicked out of school was like tying a cinder block to his ankle. 

I have a whole post about Elliott’s dismissal from school coming soon.

Now Elliott is stressing out because Emmett’s “penis germs” are now all over the house and we are out of hand sanitizer. 

I think I’m going to curl up in the corner somewhere and hide….maybe even rock back and forth a little.  I think that sounds good…..

- Lost and Tired

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Aug 02 2011

I’m really trying to be patient

Categories:

Autism, Gavin, Parenting

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August 2, 2011


I’m going to be very honest with you all here. Even at the risk of sounding like a less than stellar father. I think that it’s a good thing to share our feelings, so I’ll lead by example.

All right, with that said, Gavin is driving me absolutely insane. God love him, because it isn’t his fault but that doesn’t make it any easier to deal with. In fact it’s actually worse.because of the whole guilt factor side of things.

Gavin is acting more and more child-like every day. By that I mean he is literally acting like a much younger child almost like Emmett..actually. The problem aside from the obvious is that Gavin is much bigger and stronger so that complicates these tremendously.

The other thing I have been noticing is that Gavin is moving much, much faster now. His movements are no longer graceful, if that makes sense.
For example, as I’m writing this, he was trying adjust the pillow behind him on his chair. Instead of simply adjusting it, he jumps out of his chair and whips the pillow around, almost knocking half the things off the mantel.

His sudden, uncoordinated movements have also caused him to fling his water bottle on to the floor at least 3 times in the past hour or so. I keep trying to get him to slow down but everytime I remind him it’s like he’s hearing for the first time…..every single time. If I had hair left I would be pulling it out right now.

Just now, Gavin dropped his pencil…….twice. so he asked if he could sharpen it. He then sharpened his pencil, only to drop it again and break it. I have to constantly remind him of things…..literally. It’s exhausting and frustrating to say the very least. It think I might just start recording the frequently used phrases so that I simply have to hit play…you know…just to kinda break things up a little bit.. Does that sound really bad to say something like that?

I just feel like a scratched record and I have run out of ways to say basically the same thing….over and over and over and over and…..sorry. Hopefully you get the point. Dammitt, there goes the water bottle on the floor again. Scared the crap out of me this time. It’s one of those aluminum ones, so when it hits the floor it makes a great deal of noise.

I’m going to quit while I’m ahead. Hopefully I have presented my experience in a way that makes sense. If not, then at least I got to vent a bit. I fear I will be having to do this a whole lot more, at least the way things are currently going.

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- Lost and Tired

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Aug 01 2011

Gavin fell again tonight

Categories:

Aspergers, Autism, childhood disintegrative disorder, Gavin, Parenting

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August 1, 2011


Gavin fell again tonight, only this time he hurt himself. He fell and scraped his rib cage against a wooded box.

Part of me feels like we should limit his movements or wrap him in bubble wrap. I know that sounds comical but I don’t know what else we are supposed to be doing. Seriously, should we limit his movements? I know we can’t wrap him in bubble wrap but he keeps hurting himself.

I’m also concerned that he may accidentally hurt someone else. For example, today Gavin was working on his Mario story and he started dropping his pencil. While he was clumsily trying to get it, he inadvertently flung it across the room. It almost got me in the face.

It was a total accident but still….we may have to make some tough decisions in order to keep him and those around him safe. This just sucks.

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- Lost and Tired

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Apr 28 2010

Confessions

Categories:

Autism, Emmett John, Parenting

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April 28, 2010


I’m not sure where this post is going to end up because I’m not in the greatest place at the moment but I need to purge. This is my disclaimer…

My biggest fear for as long as I can remember has been the dentist. I mean to say that I’m terrified for the dentist. I can’t even go with my kids to the dentist because I can’t hide my fear. I had a tooth ripped out when I was a kid and it was re-implanted. I even had a one stick the pick thing though my cheek. The list goes on from there. This is coming from a big strong firefighter/paramedic. I went into burning house’s and never thought anything of it. I have had really close calls during my relatively short lived career where I almost died. The dentist was scarier to me then the guns and knives pulled on me while on the job.

I realized today for the first time that while the dentist stills scares me it’s no longer my biggest fear.

My biggest fear is having to watch Emmett John slip away like Gavin did. I don’t think I can take that. I’m not strong enough. I haven’t even told Lizze this because she has enough on her plate.
I watch Emmett John go after Elliott Richard and instinctively protect him from Emmett John. Then I’m left wondering if that’s typical behavior for a 2 year old or is it more. It feels like more. My gut says it’s more. These “episodes” happen more and more often anymore.

I took a pencil away from Emmett John today because he stuck it up his nose while trying to smell it. He smells everything. It doesn’t matter what it is, even the plug on the vacuum.

I remember when Gavin started slipping away but at the same time I don’t. My last memory of who Gavin was before we lost him to autism was when he was about 3 years old. I took him fishing for the first time we had a great time. He caught a blue gill and was so proud. I had just come off a 48 hour shift and so I was tired. He wanted to stay and play but I wanted to go home so I cut it short. I didn’t know I would never have another chance like that again. After that he really started have problems. He disconnected from us and never came back. It was like watching him slowly die.
I know it sounds stupid but maybe things would be different if I had just let him stay and play.
I can’t watch this happen to Emmett John, I just can’t. I’m so afraid that I losing him right now. I’ve been putting him to bed at night lately because I want to have those moments where he is laying on my chest and I sing him to sleep. He so peaceful and quiet. I’m so tired all the time. I don’t want to be tired to play with him and miss my chance. I can’t even figure out what he’s trying to say. I can’t figure out if he’s angry, frustrated or in pain. He tries so hard to tell us things but all that comes out is incoherent babble. Why would God let this happen. Emmett John hasn’t done anything to deserve this and neither has Gavin. What has Lizze done to deserve all the pain she is in. She didn’t choose that,it chose her. Elliott Richard didn’t choose to be stuck in the middle of all this chaos.

God, why won’t let me take their place? I keep asking you but you don’t seem to be listening. I would do anything, anything to bring them just a little peace. You supposedly gave us free will. I’m not asking you anymore, I’m choosing to take their place, now fucking snap your fingers and make it happen. This isn’t a fucking game. This is my family and they deserve better.

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Mar 14 2010

This is my reality…….

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Uncategorized

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March 14, 2010


You want to see who Gavin really is? Here you go. This is not pretty but I think it gets the point across. Sweet, innocent Gavin died many years ago. This is what we are left with. So please don’t tell me how perfect he was or how well behaved he is. He DOES NOT just need understanding or anything else. This is the ugly, dark reality of what our lives are like. We are prisoners in our own home.

This whole thing started because he wanted his pencil sharper. His pencil was just fine. He was trying to manipulate us and we weren’t allowing it. I told him it was fine and to go do his homework. He started freaking out on the steps. I told him “we’re not having it”. So he went upstairs and trashed his room and broke his pencil in half. I told him that he would be going to school in the morning without his homework done. He made the choice to trash his room and break his pencil. He didn’t know my phone was recording. This is very typical of his meltdowns. I don’t care what anyone thinks about me posting this. I am so tired of sugar coating things to make others feel better.

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